Curriculum Vitae
by Madame Cyanure
Summary: All Torchwood employees are bound by contract to submit a full and detailed personal profile for analysis. This is mandatory and must be updated upon a regular basis. Failure to comply will result in ejection from the Institute. Please read and review. x
1. Jack

**Heya! This was a little something that I thought of after updating my own CV last night. It's just a little bit of randomness as a break from all the romantic and angsty fics that are plaguing me lately. Each profile will be as short and sweet in template as this one. This series will therefore be the only fic that I can update whilst I'm trying to settle into University life in Cardiff. Enjoy! x**

**Disclaimer: The series is most definitely the property of the BBC, Russell T Davies, and Starz. Personally, I think the fans should write the show instead. x **

_By Decree of (____Her Imperial Majesty Queen Victoria Regina - Deceased) _ _ (_Ms Yvonne Hartman - Deceased)_____ Captain Jack Harkness, all Torchwood Institute employees are bound by lawful contract to submit a full and detailed personal profile for analysis. This is mandatory and must be updated upon a regular basis. At the Director's discretion, a more detailed report will be forcibly submitted if concerns arise. Failure to comply will result in appropriate discipline before ejection from the Institute. _

**Name: **Captain Jack Harkness. Emphasis on the _Captain_. Don't ask questions.

**Species:** Human, mostly. I think there may be Catkind and Judoon in there somewhere. At least my ancestors didn't get round to the Daleks – I only know one person who would want to have sex with a Dalek, and he's an ex-boyfriend.

**Gender:** Male. Give me a few millennia before I have the op.

**Sexual Orientation:** N/A

**Date of Birth:** XXXXXXXXXXXXX (It's rude to ask me my age.)

**Relationship Status:** Depends who you ask. On some planets I'm married to members of two warring species from back when I was mortal; now that was interesting! Or there was the time when….no, I'd probably better not put that – currently being glared at for taking too long editing this bit. I'm sure that one counts too, but there is a risk of Ianto reading this so let's just say that I'm with someone. Happy, Ianto? Perhaps I'd better confirm that. I'll finish this later.

**Torchwood Employment History:** Right, back to business then; Ianto will start making more unreasonable threats if I don't. In the late 1800s I was accosted by some PMSing lesbians in Cardiff who proceeded to blackmail me into joining. Once I was a freelance field agent, I discovered that Emily and Alice never actually stopped PMSing, although they did in fact have a torture kink. The next hundred years could fill several pages, and I don't want the paperwork.

**Current Role Within The Institute:** In short, I'm the boss. I run the place, I hire the people, and I catch the bad guys with said people. I can't remember what else I'm officially supposed to do as director – the manual went in the rubbish bin with the harassment folder. Whilst I'm in charge, we do things my way.

**Special Skills: **I can use a hell of a lot of weapons and drive/fly anything, but at the moment I stick to my Webley pistol and the SUV. The others refuse to let me play with much else and I can't be bothered to sit through hours of the 'just because you can't die doesn't mean we're immortal too' lecture. In spite of this, I am pretty good at what I do.

**Useful Contacts:** UNIT, Home Office, MI5, Prime Minister, and every bureaucrat under the Sun (and some under different stars). I hate the lot of them, so technically they're Ianto's contacts. He's better at fielding the calls than I am, and I can't be bothered most of the time.

**Next of Kin:** The Doctor/Martha Jones.

**Lover or Fighter? : **Can't I be both?

**Live or Die? :** How can I have a choice on that one…?

**Interests:** Sex, if Ianto's offering; naked hide and seek, if anyone is offering; Glenn Miller; Torchwood; my team.

**Additional Notes:** That's my years' worth of paperwork done now, so hopefully Ianto will stop withholding sex. No doubt he'll do the same thing in a year's time, or force me to do this 'properly', but until then I think I'll send everyone else home early…

_Last Edited Nov 2008._

**Let me know if you like it – next up is Gwen! Reviews are adored. MC. x**


	2. Gwen

_By Decree of (__Her Imperial Majesty Queen Victoria Regina – Deceased)__ (__Ms Yvonne Hartman –Deceased)__ Captain Jack Harkness, all Torchwood Institute employees are bound by lawful contract to submit a full and detailed personal profile for analysis. This is mandatory and must be updated upon a regular basis. At the Director's discretion, a more detailed report will be forcibly submitted if concerns arise. Failure to comply will result in appropriate discipline before ejection from the Institute. _

**Name: **Gwen Elizabeth Cooper.

**Species: **Human.

**Gender:** Female.

**Sexual Orientation:** Straight, thank you very much. Not even bi-curious. Cerys doesn't count.

**Date of Birth:** 17th August 1978

**Relationship Status: **Happily married. I have never cheated on Rhys with anyone, and I have retcon to prove it.

**Torchwood Employment History: **I saw a dead man come back to life in the rain, purely because Torchwood wanted him to. Then there was the weevil and crime solving before retcon, which really doesn't work on me by the way. Jack recruited me after Suzie threatened me and then shot herself. You have to be held at gunpoint to get this job. It's like the Masons, or Hells Angels, except that Jack doesn't wear leather. Yet.

**Current Role Within The Institute:** Police Liaison. I'm here because Jack needs me. I play good cop when he is in one of his moods and try to draw the line when he takes things too far. I am also meant to keep Torchwood in the real world, apparently, but that is getting a little more difficult lately. The Rift doesn't seem to be giving up any time soon – speaking of which, got to go! There's an invasion in Penarth, again.

**Special Skills:** Survived the alien invasion so we still have to do these bloody things. Skills? Compassion with just a hint of gunfire. I also am quite good at balancing my work and home life when you compare things to the others; Tosh plays with tech all the time, Owen can't drink or shag anymore and I think Jack and Ianto _are_ each other's social life. I have proof and I am not going down that route again; nobody bothered trying to spare my blushes again last time. Those two really need a 'DO NOT DISTURB' sign on the door, or a cowboy hat.

**Useful Contacts: **PC Andrew Davidson. He's a sweetheart really; a little bit chatty, just get out of there before he can ask you to join Torchwood. He doesn't like it if you say no, plus Jack would take advantage of him.

**Next of Kin: **Rhys Williams. If anything happens to me, get Ianto or Tosh to contact him. That way we can handle things delicately with minimal castrations. I wonder if Jack can grow absolutely _everything_ back?

**Lover or Fighter? : **I am a fighter, primarily. I like the firing range a little too much to be completely into the loving side of my job. I love to fight.

**Live or Die? :** Live. I will survive this place, whatever the cost. Jack won't let anything happen to the rest of us, I'm certain of it. I've got so much to lose if I die.

**Interests:** Wining and dining, bowling, cinema (not anything educational, thank you Ianto), family.

**Additional Notes:** Jack has been a little too involved on the admin side lately. He barely touches his own paperwork! It looks suspicious, and frankly is a little creepy. I'll ask Tosh to look into alien possession and futuristic robots.

_Last Edited Sept 2008_

**That's another one for you – opinions people! Also, I'll let you choose which team member I post next, especially if I reach 10 reviews (hint, hint). They can include Suzie and the Miracle Day team too…. MC. x**


	3. Ianto

**You asked, I listened. Thank you for all of your fantastic reviews. This one goes out to Eleanor Harkness-Jones, Seasidegrl, and bananas-are-good. And the winner is... x**

_By Decree of (__Her Imperial Majesty Queen Victoria Regina – Deceased)__ (__Yvonne Hartman – Deceased)__ Captain Jack Harkness, all Torchwood Institute employees are bound by lawful contract to submit a full and detailed personal profile for analysis. This is mandatory and must be updated upon a regular basis. At the Director's discretion, a more detailed report will be forcibly submitted if concerns arise. Failure to comply will result in appropriate discipline before ejection from the Institute. _

**Name: **Ianto Jones.

**Species:** Human. In spite of what some colleagues may think, my skills are not supernatural.

**Gender: **100% Male. For the record, this edit was different exactly a month ago.

**Sexual Orientation:** Jacksexual. There is heterosexual, and then there is Jack. It's complicated.

**Date of Birth:** 19th August 1983

**Relationship Status:** There is only one way that I can put this without complicating things further; with Jack. _Do you want to be with Jack now?_ Jack! Stop hacking my computer! _Boss's privilege. I want you to be with Jack now. _I am sure that you do. _I want you _in_ Jack now._ Not now. _Why not?_ Because some of us recognise our duty in keeping official documents up to date. _I do too._ Properly, doing it more than once in seventy years, and updating of our own accord; i.e. NOT when I place you under duress. _You don't need to do it every month._ Yes, I do. I believe that defines the word 'regular', Sir. Now with all due respect, sod off! _Please?_ No. _Pretty please?_ Later. _Yes!_ Excuse me whilst I resist the urge to roll my eyes.

**Torchwood Employment History:** Torchwood One approached me for a job at Canary Wharf as a Junior Researcher, which was one of the more interesting interview processes of my career. Under my own agenda, I approached Captain Harkness for a position at Torchwood Three after the fall of Torchwood One. After several unsuccessful attempts and an incident with the now resident pterodactyl, I was hired for an administration role by Captain Harkness. _I liked that suit. The trousers were tight. Have you still got it?_ Yes, Jack I have still got it somewhere.

**Current Role Within The Institute:** Resident Archivist; my presence in the Institute prevents bureaucratic chaos. It also allows people to find things for a change, providing that they do not touch the Archives themselves and subsequently turn it into a bomb site. Just ask me if you want anything, and don't touch the coffee machine. I also act as Captain Harkness's de facto Personal Assistant, because he is apparently incapable of doing things by himself. _In so many ways, Ianto; in so many ways…_ I meant paperwork and general tidiness, Jack. _But still…_ Does the words 'classified official document' mean anything to you? _Nope._ Then review the subsection in which I told you to sod off.

**Special Skills:** I have a photographic memory, thorough knowledge of the Institute's Archival contents and history, and have a reputation for a fine cup of coffee. _Blowjobs, foreplay, role-play, general Jack pleasuring…. _If you would care to remember the punishment I served up, Jack, for when you refused to cooperate with _your own_ profile…. _Oh._ Go and sulk elsewhere, please.

**Useful Contacts:** Any Canary Wharf survivors, UNIT, First Minister for Wales, Welsh assembly, and whoever Jack refuses to speak to.

**Next of Kin:** Rhiannon Davies. Gwen has agreed to meet with her before Jack finds out that I have a sister. And then Gwen will retcon him immediately.

**Lover or Fighter? :** Lover. Jack waves things around in the air too much, so one of us has to compensate. I prefer to be more subtle.

**Live or Die? :** Jack will outlive both Gwen and I, even if we do make it to old age.

**Interests:** Coffee, (regrettably) Jack, dinosaurs, actual dates (not just quick fumbles in the Hub – I still have some dignity), suits, saving the world.

**Additional Notes:** To be reviewed in one month's time (NOTE: when Jack is out of the office). The edits would be completed immediately, but _someone_ has to discipline the child and remind him of his responsibilities as Director. Apologies.

_Last Edited June 2009_

**Anyone fancy reviewing this for me? :) Next up, Esther or Owen? You decide! :D MC. x**


	4. Esther

**Right, officially we have a winner. Esther's isn't really a funny one because I really struggled to write her, but at least I tried anyway. So here goes, and I hope everyone thinks that it is okay, BookJunkie007 and 'Guess Who' (;D) especially. Thanks for the votes/reviews – please keep them coming! x**

_By Decree of (Her Imperial Majesty Queen Victoria Regina – Deceased) (Yvonne Hartman – Deceased) Captain Jack Harkness, all Torchwood Institute employees are bound by lawful contract to submit a full and detailed personal profile for analysis. This is mandatory and must be updated upon a regular basis. At the Director's discretion, a more detailed report will be forcibly submitted if concerns arise. Failure to comply will result in appropriate discipline before ejection from the Institute. _

**Name: **Esther Drummond

**Species:** Human. Jack keeps saying that there is more than one option to this question, but I don't know if he's thinking straight.

**Gender: **Female.

**Sexual Orientation:**Heterosexual. No way can I compete with Jack. He keeps saying all these wonderful and strange things. They can't all be true.

**Date of Birth:** 11th January 1980

**Relationship Status:** Single. Not that anyone seems to notice; especially now that Rex is at the top of the CIA again. And being on the company's most wanted list is not helpful.

**Torchwood Employment History:** Rex keeps saying that Torchwood is dead, but I don't think so. I mean, we use the Eye-5 software and the systems that Torchwood built; they have still survived, and so have Gwen and Jack. I can't really say that I was employed because I was forced into this. It's my job to be impartial, except that that doesn't work anymore. Friedkin made me choose a side and I think that I picked the right one. I warned Rex and got dragged completely into this. Although I still don't know exactly where I was that night the CIA records building exploded.

**Current Role Within The Institute:** I don't think that the four of us will be together again for a while now. When we all started working together I was designated as the main researcher into the Miracle by Gwen, and then Jack found a million results for this 'morphic field' theory he's obsessed with, so both of them become Google-phobic. Unofficially, I'm Jack's nurse (although I have no idea what I am doing, and my patient it the only man on Earth that can die). Ms Colasanto said that Jack's blood had something to do with The Blessing, whatever that is, so I'm collecting it. Jack keeps calling me his vampire; if he is just trying to get me to sleep with him it hasn't worked so far, although I imagine that many women have thought about it. I am not so sure that he _is _gay, honestly. Torchwood has made it very hard to remain professional on this profile.

**Special Skills:** Well, I have a BA in English Language; I am a CIA analyst who used to look at blogs for a living; I can interpret research to the best of my ability; and I can remain impassive throughout my work. I have kept a mortal man hidden for two months too.

**Useful Contacts:** Rex Matheson. I can't talk to him – we don't seem to be able to keep any of our locations secret. Something will always blow up (possibly literally) and we don't need a trace to add to our problems.

**Next of Kin:** Sarah Drummond. Please God, keep both her and the girls safe.

**Lover or Fighter? :** I am neither.

**Live or Die? :** Considering that no one can die these days, I like to say that I have no choice in living. I'd like to think that everyone can live to an elderly age and then die, once this is all over. Until we fix things, I've selected option one.

**Interests:** Poetry, literature, language.

**Additional Notes:** Um, okay, Jack told me that I should fill out a confidential form since I am taking care of him while he's injured. It could be the painkiller drugs influencing his thoughts, but I wasn't sure whether he meant what he said, so I entered a deep search on the Torchwood software and found this file. Apparently the last edit was completed back in 2009 by an Operative called Ianto Jones; his paper record is missing and his file is blocked, so I have to ask Jack if I want use it for research on Torchwood and how the Institute is connected to the Miracle. I've filled in my profile before we have to move on again, but we will run soon; Jack's not getting any better and people are asking questions. I'm worried.

_Last Edited __July 2011_

**Out of**** respect to the art of fair play (one of you will get what I mean lol!), I will definitely post Owen's next before throwing the vote back to you guys (Arlath's Star and Torchwood Cardiff, I promise that it will be worth the wait). :D Meanwhile, reviews please? MC. x**


	5. Owen

**Heya. Sorry this took so long but a severe bout of homesickness and tonsillitis interfered with my writing capabilities. But enough of my whining; Owen's profile is especially for Arlath's Star and Torchwood Cardiff, though I hope you all enjoy it. :) x**

_By Decree of (__Her Imperial Majesty Queen Victoria Regina – Deceased)__ (__Yvonne Hartman – Deceased)__ Captain Jack Harkness, all Torchwood Institute employees are bound by lawful contract to submit a full and detailed personal profile for analysis. This is mandatory and must be updated upon a regular basis. At the Director's discretion, a more detailed report will be forcibly submitted if concerns arise. Failure to comply will result in appropriate discipline before ejection from the Institute. _

**Name: **Dr Owen Harper, MD

**Species:** Human. Only Jack would need that pointing out to him. Typical of Captain Shags-Anything-That Moves.

**Gender: **Male.

**Sexual Orientation:** Straight, but if you wanted to share her I was game too. Erectile dysfunction is one of the more bastard side effects of death. No sex, sleep, or booze; this is why being dead is shit.

**Date of Birth:** 14th February 1980. Nobody but Harkness has a portrait in their attic – he's probably got Rasputin in there too. Ianto is giving me a Look. Piss off Teaboy! If you're making me do this I'm going to do it my way. Not all of us are as anal as you. And we don't take it up the arse from Jack either.

**Relationship Status:** Single and bored. It is hard being a bachelor without a blood supply and it's not like I can find a proper woman at my time of life.

**Torchwood Employment History:** I can't be arsed. Ianto, quit spying on every little bit of paperwork that I do. You have a boss to fuck, so go do it. No, I don't want you to put the others on decaffeinated coffee so that they are pissed off with me; however, kindly fuck off. Long story short here, Jack hired me on perseverance (no I didn't stalk him for _that_ reason) and because he needed a bloody fabulous doctor. It's not like he doesn't know all this already.

**Current Role Within The Institute:** The bloody fabulous doctor. The bloody amazing doctor. The slicer-upper of alien corpses. I get all the work when creatures/thugs/Jack/Gwen get trigger happy every day. How many hints do I have to drop? I'm a MEDIC!

**Special Skills:** I can shoot you square in the chest and then clean you up afterwards. What more do you want? No, I'm not Jesus, just brilliant at what I do. I also happen to be a dab hand at pool and will kick your arse in Second Reality. Oh, and I am apparently King of the Weevils, as of last month. I think that I could write my own epitaph out of this; 'Here doesn't lie Dr Owen Harper. He still is fucking brilliant, thank you very much, and gets worshiped by shit-eaters for it.' There, a nice little bit of graffiti for Teaboy to freak out over later.

**Useful Contacts:** Saint Helen's Hospital, Cardiff General Hospital, and any other nutjobs from med school I can find.

**Next of Kin: **Don't any of you dare contact my mother, even if she would be happy to know that I'm dead. That is a threat, and it comes with surgical instruments.

**Lover or Fighter? : **What sort of bollocks is that for a question? This isn't a teenaged girl's magazine quiz, Harkness! Even I have standards here.

**Live or Die? : **This is bollocks. You'd think that as I'm writing this posthumously, people would finally get that I've been on the deceased list for a while now. I got bored enough to write my own death certificate yesterday. You'd think that someone else might have noticed.

**Interests: **Second Reality, Pool, Daytime TV, Night-time TV (sleep isn't a priority here, and porn is just depressing to watch now), taking the piss out of Teaboy, general sarcasm. I've run out of real hobbies so I'm gonna make some up just to waste paper; streaking, joyriding, knitting, origami, crocheting, child molesting, deflating Jack's enormous ego, sailing, bungee jumping, horse racing, computer hacking, directing nature films, lap dancing, shooting, fishing, zebra spotting, and gynaecology (not any more).

**Additional Notes:** No one really cared that I hadn't done this until you joined, Ianto, so I don't know why you are making me create a profile now. No one cares still, and you are a manipulative bastard.

_First Created and Edited Jan 2009_

**Okay, now that little problem is solved. Which means I can throw this back to you guys. Tosh, Rex, or Rhys (written by Jack)? The lines are now open so don't forget to review and place your votes. :) MC. x**


	6. Rhys

**Guess what? Tosh and Rhys tied, so I'm giving you both this week. :) Rhys is up first because Tosh requires a bit more thought to make it awesome, and I hope you like all the casual Jackisms that I put in for you. Rex will be done at some stage but for now I'm putting it off because I currently hate him more than Gwen. I didn't even think that was possible, but it is. :D x**

_By Decree of (__Her Imperial Majesty Queen Victoria Regina – Deceased)__ (__Yvonne Hartman – Deceased)__ Captain Jack Harkness, all Torchwood Institute employees are bound by lawful contract to submit a full and detailed personal profile for analysis. This is mandatory and must be updated upon a regular basis. At the Director's discretion, a more detailed report will be forcibly submitted if concerns arise. Failure to comply will result in appropriate discipline before ejection from the Institute. _

**Name: **Rhys Alan Williams (Profile to be established by Captain Jack Harkness. One bit of paperwork wasn't enough, apparently. Ianto loves to work me hard in every way. Tough love is sexy.)

**Species:** Human, but with that much testosterone in him he could be something else. I'll get Owen to run an analysis when Gwen is not around.

**Gender: **A Welsh male. I just want to think of those vowels, even if he and Gwen would use my Mini-Captain's castration for sport. Also, Ianto would get jealous; that fantastic sex last night showed me just how much he doesn't like to share and I'm not risking anything on a profile this time.

**Sexual Orientation: **Straight as a steel girder, even if he does specialise in creating homoerotic situations. Ianto is asking me why I'm looking upset.

**Date of Birth: **Going to have to ask Gwen that one. Not that important really unless you're Ianto. The Archives don't have to be that accurate if no one finds another Ianto for a few centuries. Actually, two Ianto's could be fun. I wonder if we still have that duplication ray somewhere….

**Relationship Status:** All four Iantos have ganged up on me, which isn't fair – two of them have promised hide and seek after work though if I finish this. Rhys is Gwen's husband, which is practically the whole reason why I'm writing this, Ianto time aside (their Jacksexualness compels me to – see Iantos, I do read these things. Well, your one anyway.). I'm glad she married him; it keeps her attached to something outside of Torchwood. Even if he did it better when he didn't know about us.

**Torchwood Employment History:** Rhys isn't employed; he's just Rhys. Ianto has got Tosh to set up the profiles so that we have to fill in the box properly though, so I'm retitling it as 'Affiliation History'. Rhys started out as the oblivious boyfriend at home until he became excessively paranoid about Gwen during the alien meat issue in Merthyr Tydfil. His James Bond impression was awful, so Gwen had an argument with him about it and spilled out everything. I did not believe it was the best decision at the time, but Retcon wasn't an option and he eventually proved a useful assistant upon several occasions, even if he is still completely oblivious about most things. If nothing else, he gains my grudging respect for his devotion to Gwen.

**Current Role Within The Institute: **Gwen's anchor. I've thought about this and it is the only way I can put it without copying and pasting (the computer doesn't allow that; I tried). Also we get free lorries and vans whenever we want them. It gives me an excuse to put Ianto in overalls. And then strip them off of him again. I just counted three disapproving glares and one raised eyebrow; as sexy as it may seem, this multiple Ianto situation is getting slightly creepy.

**Special Skills:** He drives a lorry and finds fault in everything, as per the Welsh way. Whenever he's around, someone tends to suggest that my manliness is in question too. I'm not too sure if that is an insult or a skill, if I'm honest.

**Useful Contacts: **Harwood's Haulage and, because he is Welsh, sheep. Ah, hell! Gwen and the Iantos saw that. I think I'm in trouble.

**Next of Kin: **Gwen, and then maybe his mother. Is she alive?

**Lover or Fighter? :** Gwen tried to teach him to fire a gun, which was a bad move. Rhys is too hot-headed, and the bruise took a week to die down when he hit me at the wedding. I am keeping him away from the weapons vault if I ever let him back into the Hub. And maybe I should hide the sharp objects too.

**Live or Die? :** He'd better live, for Gwen's sake. I don't think I could go through eternity without certain appendages if her heart ever breaks again.

**Interests:** Something Welsh.

**Additional Notes:** I should get Tosh to set up an automated reply for this section. Right now I have several appointments with various versions of Ianto to attend to. I suggested an orgy, but all of them refused. Apparently it would be classed as a combination of near-incest and self-obsession. I told them that I didn't mind, except that they ignored me. I can't tell which one is the original anymore. Confusion has never been so hot.

_Last Edited Dec 2008_

**And that's Jack's take on Rhys! Could I possibly trouble you for some reviews? :) MC. x**


	7. Toshiko

**Hey sorry this is later than promised but Tosh was rather difficult to write and my workload has just been uurgh lately. I'm not gonna throw the vote back to you guys this time until after the next chapter - I have a cunning plan and I think that you will like it! Pretty please review. :) x**

_By Decree of (__Her Imperial Majesty Queen Victoria Regina – Deceased)__ (__Yvonne Hartman – Deceased)__ Captain Jack Harkness, all Torchwood Institute employees are bound by lawful contract to submit a full and detailed personal profile for analysis. This is mandatory and must be updated upon a regular basis. At the Director's discretion, a more detailed report will be forcibly submitted if concerns arise. Failure to comply will result in appropriate discipline before ejection from the Institute. _

**Name: **Toshiko Sato

**Species:** Human. I am not a computer, Owen.

**Gender: **Female.

**Sexual Orientation: **Bisexual, although it is hardly relevant. This questionnaire seems quite out-dated, come to think of it; how could my data scans not pick this up? I will run any changes by Jack before altering this next time I update the system.

**Date of Birth:** 18th September 1975.

**Relationship Status:** Single, unless you count a few flings. It is hard to be noticed when you work for Torchwood, especially if your job mainly involves working in the background, so I have never really had many dates. I think that the rest of the team do appreciate me, but some real attention would be nice.

**Torchwood Employment History:** Jack saved me. He dragged me out from the jaws of Hell just as they were about to swallow me up. I have been working for Torchwood for over two years. Officially I have no history; therefore the remainder of this section will be encrypted.

[CLASSIFIED] [CLASSIFIED] [CLASSIFIED] [CLASSIFIED] [CLASSIFIED] [CLASSIFIED] [CLASSIFIED] [CLASSIFIED] [CLASSIFIED] [CLASSIFIED] [CLASSIFIED] [CLASSIFIED] [CLASSIFIED] [CLASSIFIED] [CLASSIFIED] [CLASSIFIED] [CLASSIFIED] [CLASSIFIED] [CLASSIFIED] [CLASSIFIED] [CLASSIFIED] [CLASSIFIED] [CLASSIFIED] [CLASSIFIED] [CLASSIFIED] [CLASSIFIED] [CLASSIFIED] [CLASSIFIED] [CLASSIFIED] [CLASSIFIED] [CLASSIFIED] [CLASSIFIED] [CLASSIFIED] [CLASSIFIED] [CLASSIFIED]

**Current Role Within The Institute: **Technician, Computer Programmer, Software Design and Maintenance, and Field Agent. The word 'Hacker' is a crude way of describing my other role within the Institute, although I can see why someone would perceive it to be that way. I prefer to think of it as exploring and influencing technology through the utilisation of computer science. Nobody touch my workstation; I will blame you if we go into lockdown and my screen is broken.

**Special Skills: **I have a Masters degree in Computer Science, which by default means that I can crack most systems or firewalls you send my way. I can create viruses and Trojans, wipe records cleanly enough to delete someone's entire existence, recalibrate the Torchwood software as per the team's requirements, create specialised electronic equipment, and ensure that most Rift-born technology is safe to use (if not, this technology transfers over to Ianto Jones' department for cataloguing). Additionally, I occasionally aid the analytical aspects of the Institute's medical workload and incorporate it into my efforts to cover our tracks. Jack insists that I am a genius because I have an IQ of 142, but I believe that my skills boil down to the fact that I am a very logical person; as well as being significantly less caffeinated than the rest of the team (too much coffee interferes with my thought processes). If deterring Owen's questions about how to fix his computer three times a day counts as a special skill, said skill can be accredited to my workstation's stuffed toy tiger; it has a 99.999% success rate, and Owen usually works out the answer without bothering me too much if he asks the tiger.

**Useful Contacts:** Ministry of Defence, UNIT; do not mention my name to either of these organisations, and upon contacting them reference Captain Jack Harkness instead. [DETAILS CLASSIFIED] Every organisation or company whose database security and legitimacy which you want me to test. The current Torchwood 3 Operatives.

**Next of Kin:** My mother; if something happens to me please find her, Jack, and tell her the truth. Tell her that I am sorry.

**Lover or Fighter? :** Again, this is somewhat dated. In a modern society there are more than just two extremes; in which case I will happily oblige with fieldwork, although I prefer to immerse myself in the intricacies of the operation.

**Live or Die? :** This is an insensitive question, although I should definitely like to live. There is so many things that we do not understand yet and so much out there to explore. I want to know everything there is to know.

**Interests:** Torchwood is 24/7 to the point that I really don't have time to allow myself interests outside of the team. My love of technology is entwined with my work and I believe that I may have accidently become a co-creator of an overly competitive pool tournament. Other than that, the thrill of being amongst friends who have seen the things I have seen is enough for me.

**Additional Notes:** I have tried to answer this profile with as much professionalism as possible in order to ease at least one aspect of the team's workload. However, I would like to point out that during this process I was terrified by the sight of my boss sneaking up on me in a grotesque clown mask (I may have punched him accidently in a valuable place); Owen's computer decided to create a small explosion because he didn't ask the tiger what to do; Gwen was taken hostage again (Ianto was under the influence of a gaseous hallucinogen); and the Hub was forced into lockdown for ten hours before I could fix it because Jack bumped into a switch when he and Ianto were occupied in a store cupboard. It was just another day at Torchwood. Also, the pterodactyl ate my chocolate.

_Last Edited Jan 2009_

**So what do you think? Did I do okay? You know you just want to hit that review button... :) MC. x**


	8. Rhys:  Part 2

**Hey! I told you that I had a cunning plan for this week lol! And a little bit of reading of the Torchwood Archives book made me feel so pleased with myself this week too - Ianto apparently lived in the Cathays area, which is where I live. YAY ME! :D Please let me know what you think of the chapter anyway. :) x**

_By Decree of (__Her Imperial Majesty Queen Victoria Regina – Deceased)__ (__Yvonne Hartman – Deceased)__ Captain Jack Harkness, all Torchwood Institute employees are bound by lawful contract to submit a full and detailed personal profile for analysis. This is mandatory and must be updated upon a regular basis. At the Director's discretion, a more detailed report will be forcibly submitted if concerns arise. Failure to comply will result in appropriate discipline before ejection from the Institute. _

Right, well then. Seeing as Gwen's off trying to get this Clem bloke out of the Camden nick, and Jack and Ianto have literally buggered off to God knows where – 'discs for these things' my arse, I'm not stupid – I am left all on my one-some in a damp Battersea warehouse with some high-tech alien Torchwood server. It's not my fault that the pair of muppets left it logged in. It's time to see just what Captain Jack Harkness has got on me, and then set the record straight. I think I've got a while until anyone comes back….

**Name: **Rhys _Alun_ Williams. Not_ Alan_ – this was a bad start if there ever was one. If you can't even spell my name right, Jack, then why bother with the rest of it? Alun. It's Welsh and proud.

**Species:** Human! Fuck anything else! No alien abduction here; I was born in Swansea, mind.

**Gender: **Male. What a surprise – he's making a porno out of this thing! You have more chance of dying than your dick coming within a mile of me, Captain Scarlet.

**Sexual Orientation: **Straight – I'm married to a _woman_. I swear that the day that Jack Harkness becomes mortal is the day that I will drop my trousers for him (I really hope that that is never going to happen now).

**Date of Birth:** January 25th 1978. Don't think that I haven't sneaked a peek at Gwen's paycheques – I expect decent presents. Just nothing from a sex shop or on Valentine's Day if your name is not Gwen Cooper-Williams.

**Relationship Status:** My wife will put a bullet in your brain faster than The Bride from Kill Bill. Every atom of me loves Gwen and I'm bloody lucky to have her. She's got some lush looks on her and a great arse that a marriage vow says is mine for ever, if I want them. Of course I bloody do! We may have a barney now and then, but I know that she has never had eyes for anyone but me either. And, oh Christ, I'm going to be a dad now too!

**Torchwood Employment History:** At least Jumping Jack Flash managed get this bit right. Gwen sees some crazy shit that I never want to be part of, even if I have got that scrapbook that Gwen must _never_ know about. I know that I'm kind of involved now, being on the run and all that, but trust me, this will never be permanent. Gwen's lot are like The Scooby Doo Gang; except with Fred and Scooby shagging the hell out of each other (guess which one is which), more general weirdness, more sudden deaths, and slightly less glamour. I'll bet you anything that the janitor is behind this bloody talking thing with the kids and all….

**Current Role Within The Institute:** Right now? At this very moment? I am partaking in the prevention of the starvation of my wife and acquaintances through raising the temperature of haricot pulses. Nah, I'm cooking the beans, man! Mind you, I have helped them out on a couple of occasions before when Captain Jack's plans need some common sense injected into them (Gwen says it makes a change from Viagra) – I even took on me alien-mam with a chainsaw at the wedding (we were nearly fucked when the petrol ran out) – and I guess in a small way I might be helping them now. Beans happen to be an essential part of world saving, and it's not like Jack or Ianto are going to cook them any time soon. Possibly never in Cap'n Bollocks' case, so someone has got to do it.

**Special Skills: **I don't just drive the lorries; I'm Manager of Harwood's Haulage, see, which makes me King of my own little world. I hire out the lorries and plan the routes too. It's a bit simpler than what that lot do, but it gets me by and my knowledge of the haulage industry is what got us out of Cardiff in the first place. I can make a cracking lasagne too.

Oh, and Jack is about as camp as a row of tents. You don't actually need _anyone_ in the room in order to question his manliness, but if there is he just shows off all over the place. That was in fact an insult, if you're wondering.

**Useful Contacts:** Well, Gwen; that's about it. Unless you want cheap knock-off DVD's; then Banana Boat's your man.

**Next of Kin:** Gwen. Me mam and dad are alive, but you'd have to use some of the amnesia drug that was in the champagne on them. I don't know why, but that drug creeps me out a bit. It feels like I should know something bad whenever Gwen mentions the word 'Retcon'.

**Lover or Fighter? :** This is a bit odd, right. Gwen told me I was good with a gun! They have a secure weapons vault? I prefer cuddling on the sofa anyway, but that store sounds like a big boys' toy cupboard.

**Live or Die? :** Don't worry about me. It's Gwen that I'm terrified for. How on Earth have we still got the baby inside her after all of these shootouts? I'll have your balls in a vice if the slightest thing happens to them, Harkness. I can't believe that she told him before me! Him! Wanker.

**Interests**: 2 for 1 Pizza, having a pint with Daf down the pub, heading down to the Stadium on match day with Banana, rugby, telly (I love a bit of Wife Swap, me), donuts with Large Mandy and Big Ruth from the office; you know, that sort of thing. Ordinary stuff. No alien weirdness, thank you. _'Something Welsh'_, really! I'm patriotic, mate, but at least put some effort into it if you're going to slag us off.

**Additional Notes:** Well, that tidies up that crock of bullshit a bit. Wait, I can hear footsteps clanking on the metal stairs. They're running. Either the Shagathon has been taken up a notch or the world's gone to bloody Hellfire again; probably both. Ah well, better close this thing down before they get back. Cheerio official and correct profile!

_Last Edited July 2009_

**Okay then - opinions please! And I've got three magic questions for you this time around: the main one is Andy, Rex, or Suzie next? **

**Also a little idea thrown at me by Arlath's Star - do you want profiles for Myfannwy and Janet? Aaannnd finally, do you want me to write Jilly and Oswald here, or shall I start up a Rogue's Gallery for all of the Torchwood villains? Those are the questions...answers and reviews anyone? :) MC. x**


	9. Andy

**Hi! I know its been a while but I've almost completely lost my Torchwood muse lately - I blame the anticlimax of getting the Miracle Day box set (don't bother with the deleted scenes; they are so awful that you can tell they were deleted for a reason) and a newfound love of The Mighty Boosh providing me with an obsession for the moment. Sadly this means that I'm going to have to leave the Torchwood fandom alone for a bit so that I can enjoy the show more and get my interest back enough to write fanfics. (Sorry! I'm upset about it but it's the only way!) Basically, I've ODed on Torchwood lol, so this fic will probably be my last for a while. Anyway, let me know how you think I've done with Andy in the form of a nice little review. :) x**

From: Torchwood, Agent Gwen Cooper  
>To: PCADavidson, Cardiff Central PoliceHeddlu Caerdydd

ALL COMMUNICATION BETWEEN THE TORCHWOOD INSTITUTE IS CLASSIFIED – THE FOLLOWING EMAIL IS FOR YOUR EYES ONLY.

Hi Andy!

Listen, Ianto's been pestering me for ages about the fact that we need an official police contact on file, so could you be a sweetheart and do the honours? I tried getting DC Catherine Swanson to be our official port of call but she declined in her usual way (swearing for six minutes solid about Jack's conduct) before informing me that I was a traitor to the force and then hanging up. It's not that you're the last resort, but I really need someone to do this for us. For me. Please?  
>Oh and I've attached the file for the form which you have to fill in for this. Officially we're supposed to establish the profile for you, but I've seen what Jack has done to Rhys's one and frankly Ianto and I haven't got enough time on our hands to bollock him over it. Just fill things in next time you're somewhere out of the office and fire it back to me, will you?<br>Thanks for doing this, pet. You're a star.

Gwen xox

_By Decree of (__Her Imperial Majesty Queen Victoria Regina – Deceased)__ (__Yvonne Hartman – Deceased)__ Captain Jack Harkness, all Torchwood Institute employees are bound by lawful contract to submit a full and detailed personal profile for analysis. This is mandatory and must be updated upon a regular basis. At the Director's discretion, a more detailed report will be forcibly submitted if concerns arise. Failure to comply will result in appropriate discipline before ejection from the Institute. _

**Name: **Andrew Davidson(Otherwise known as the apparently gullible guy who still can't believe that he's actually doing this.)

**Rank**: Police Constable (Not that it matters, does it Gwen? Your lot walk all over the Cardiff Force like shit in student housing.)

**Species:** Human. This is Earth, right? It's not like Gwen's sewer beasts make up most of the population of Cardiff, is it?

**Gender:** Male. Bet your mate Mulder loves that, even if that Ianto bloke seems like the jealous type.

**Sexual Orientation: **Never you bloody well mind! All I'm saying is that Gwen should have never married Rhys. He's cheating on her with several boxes of Krispy Krème donuts for lovers. What the hell does she see in him?

**Date of Birth: **18th November 1974

**Relationship Status:** Single, not that you should bloody well care.

**Torchwood Affiliation History:** Gwen was my patrol partner before Torchwood fucked with her mind and then stole her away to offer her a job (why not me?). She just disappeared and then the next thing I know she's all bloody leather and swagger while I'm still stuck here at a desk or on the beat in a shitty state police uniform. And it's not like she tells me anything either; no wait, she tells me lies instead. I practically handed that Jonah case to her on a plate, helped her with it too – then she nicks the speedboat and leaves me stranded like the twat that she thinks I am. All I'm saying is that a spooky do needs a bit more perspective and discussion with the police. Especially because real people and real lives tend to be at stake when Torchwood start poking their nose where most people shouldn't. Your lot had better read this, Gwen.

**Current Role Within The Institute:** Well, I'm not 'within the Institute' am I? I'm exactly what it said in the email – the desperate last minute choice of someone for Gwen to talk to when she's not too busy being all high and mighty and cold. Unless there are any job vacancies in Torchwood? I'm open to discussions.

**Special Skills:** I'm loyal, funny, a wizard at Sudoku, I can cook, I'm a people person – no wait, I'm stopping this now before it starts sounding even more like my online dating profile.

**Useful Contacts: **Gwen Cooper, Searchlight; my superiors if I can ever get any leverage. There is not much you can do as a PC, other than paperwork. Call me back if I ever become a Sergeant.

**Next of Kin:** Me Mam. Most of those details are on my police records, which no doubt Torchwood have hacked anyway.

**Lover or Fighter? : **How can this be relevant in any way? Fine, I'll choose 'fighter', even if Gwen will laugh in my face. She'd laugh at 'lover' anyhow; but let me tell you, I've got four dates with women I met online next week so shove your laughter up your arse.

**Live or Die? :** Live. Someone has to remind Gwen of the real world; Rhys only sees through the perspective of a donut hole, and the sofa will eventually eat him in turn one day.

**Interests:** Sudoku, rugby (watching), TV, becoming part of a certain secret organisation that is also possibly a cult? I'm serious.

**Additional Notes:** There Gwen, I've done it. I hope you're happy that you've used me again as a last resort. Now, will you please start answering my calls? I've tried both your mobile and the emergency line and still no one picks up, which makes it a bit of a crap emergency line if I'm honest. Start acting like more of a friend for a change, and speak to that boss of yours about making me an agent.

_Last Edited Feb 2009. *N.B. The issue of PC Andrew Davidson's recruitment was once again revisited on the agenda of the 24__th__ February 2009 monthly board meeting. The decision still remains a unanimous 'NO'. This will be officially documented and the issue will now permanently be removed from the agenda as a waste of time and discussion. – IJ.*_

**So was that Andy enough? I'll get Rex's out of the way next, and then maybe post species profiles for Myfannwy and Janet (obviously written by Ianto and Owen respectively) before I leave you for a while if you're all good enough. Pretty please click that little review button! :) MC. x**


	10. Rex

**Right, let's get through this as quickly and painlessly as possible – I said I'd post Rex to complete the human set so here it is. It is really ironic/sarcastic, because I hate him so much (his character was so bad that he coerced me into liking Gwen, which was something that never should have happened) so if there are any hardcore Rex fans out there I'd suggest that you give this chapter a miss. As for everyone else, let me know what you think. :) x**

_By Decree of (__Her Imperial Majesty Queen Victoria Regina – Deceased)__ (__Yvonne Hartman – Deceased)__ Captain Jack Harkness, all Torchwood Institute employees are bound by lawful contract to submit a full and detailed personal profile for analysis. This is mandatory and must be updated upon a regular basis. At the Director's discretion, a more detailed report will be forcibly submitted if concerns arise. Failure to comply will result in appropriate discipline before ejection from the Institute. _

**Name: **Rex Matheson, Representing the Central Intelligence Agency on Behalf of the United States of America. This is, in fact, my full name. I had it legally changed in order to match the size of my enormous ego. Did I mention that I work for the CIA? Now, what the hell is this shit?

**Species:** Human. The stereotypical American, to be precise. I just frequently wander in, claim that I am in fact better than you in every single way possible and attempt to take charge of whatever we happen to be doing at the time; and then I will always manage to make a complete balls-up of it.

**Gender:** Male – I bathe hourly in my own testosterone.

**Sexual Orientation: **A blatant homophobe. I constantly pick on World War Two's dress sense to the point where the joke is no longer funny, purely because I'm pissed off that an omnisexual time-traveller from space gets more attention and sex than I do. No, I am not insecure; just a twat.

**Date of Birth:** 3rd December 1976. I had a pole through my chest – I should be dead! Most people want me dead! Buy me a present for Christ's sake.

**Relationship Status:** Well, I do have the eye of the ladies. I pick and choose, and then leave 'em a note in the morning. I know that Esther keeps giving me doe-eyes, but I'm an asshole so I'm never going to take her up on it. Somehow the last woman I slept with got burnt alive. The Rex sex must have been good for her to do that.

**Torchwood Employment History:** Torchwood don't own me! I own Torchwood! Torchwood is non-existent! I extradited the hostages to the USA instead of leaving them in that glamorous patch of Wales to do what they do best, I nearly get them killed, I shoot people because it helps. I have a large bloody chest wound, therefore I now call the shots. I am now going to show you the hole in my chest for the millionth time today.

**Current Role Within The Institute: **I am jealous of the wonder that is Captain Jack Harkness, and so I hog all of the attention by doing what he usually would be doing, but doing it badly. I even seem to have a talent for accidental murder. I am highly smug about this, because it leaves him to be bored and mortal in the corner.

**Special Skills:** I am Rex Matheson of the CIA; therefore I am naturally good at everything. Bow down to me like the golden boy I think I am.

**Useful Contacts:** Schapiro (living, head of CIA, has what should be my job), Friedkin (deceased, asshole), Torchwood Clowns (Cooper makes sense if she just shuts up about her kid for a second), God, Jesus, Buddha, any clearance that you want me to get.

**Next of Kin: **What's it to you?

**Lover or Fighter? : **Both. Even a talented marksman has needs.

**Live or Die? : **I HAD A POLE THROUGH MY CHEST! I was dead and then I wasn't; try classifying me now! Oh wait, they have; I'm apparently Category Two. Still, I'm the sexiest man around.

**Interests:** Myself, sex, my ego.

**Additional Notes:** Why the hell have I written all of this shit? It's not like I work for Torchwood is it? Torchwood can't write employee profiles for shit – the CIA has more finesse than this. The CIA would also not make this so easy to find. I've read all profiles written within the last five years and it still doesn't make sense. This is bullshit. Torchwood is bullshit.

_Last Edited June 2011_

**So, review if you want to. I know it's bad but I did it on purpose. At least this crap is out of the way now. Please review if your sadistic/ironic/bitchy side liked it, but if not just move quickly onto Myfannwy's Species Profile the next time I post. :) MC. x**


	11. Myfannwy

**Hey! Sorry for the delay in posting but I've been offline for a looooooong time now. :) This will of course be rectified and I'll try and give you the last instalment of this fic within the fortnight. Please read and review. :D x**

_By Decree of (__Her Imperial Majesty Queen Victoria Regina – Deceased)__ (__Yvonne Hartman – Deceased)__ Captain Jack Harkness, all Torchwood Institute non-human residents must remain under complete observation. Reports must be completed on a regular basis by the relevant employee. At the Director's discretion, a more detailed report will be forcibly submitted if concerns arise. Failure to comply will result in appropriate employee discipline before ejection from the Institute. _[EDIT:_ Jack does not seem to realise that this category may also still include him; therefore I shall personally observe him very closely before archiving a highly detailed report. And possibly Jack too. – IJ_]

Report Completed In Full by Operative Ianto Jones.

**Resident's Name: **Myfannwy Roberta Delilah Thornton Fuck You Pterosaur. (We are aware of the length of this name, and it is not without reason. Jack wanted her to be called 'Roberta', I thought 'Myfannwy' was more appropriate; I won through a small amount of bribery. Delilah comes from her response to the music of Tom Jones, suggested by Gwen; 'Thornton' from Tosh's boredom study of Myfannwy's favourite chocolate. And 'Fuck You' just happens to be Owen's response every time she flies near his desk, which happens to be quite a lot.)

**Species:** Pterosaur. This happens to be the correct designation, but pterodactyl sounds sexier.

**Gender: **Female. At least we think she is, anyway. Owen occasionally lies about alien gender to cover up when he doesn't know what he is doing.

**Sexual Orientation: **Not a clue. I'm afraid that I have been unable to test this, as other members of her species are notoriously difficult to come by. About two billion years too difficult.

**Date of Birth:** Somewhere in the late Triassic period. Technically an orphan. All credit must go to Google for that one.

**Duration of Stay:** Permanent. Jack says that she is a cross between his baby girl and a guard dog. He's wrong; I look after her, so she is my special girl.

**Operative Responsible For Resident: **Mr Ianto Jones. As already established, she's mine.

**Torchwood Affiliation History:** Myfannwy flew through the Rift about two years ago (exact date and Rift readings attached); I discovered her in a warehouse just outside of Newport during my pursuance of Captain Harkness (I may regret my choice of words if there is the slightest chance of Jack reading this) at the time. The Pterosaur was clearly frightened and agitated through damage to one of its wings; however the Rift-born disorientation she was experiencing made her unsafe to approach. I consulted with Captain Harkness and through teamwork we managed to sedate her. This sequence of events directly resulted in my transfer to Torchwood Three – thank you, Myfannwy. Good girl.

**Is The Species Beneficial to the Institute?:** Yes. She is a very good guard dog and spices up the Hub décor significantly. To be honest, we don't need that good a guard dog with our ample supply of locks, sensors, alarms, and a giant cog door, but unfortunately we do have a compulsive show-off for a boss. Bottom line, I suppose, is that Myfannwy keeps Jack happy (that makes two of us) which frankly is beneficial to us all. And even if it wasn't I'd fight tooth and nail to keep her anyway.

**Special Skills:** Excreting her waste onto the autopsy table in exchange for chocolate. I am aware that I am the one who has to clean this up, but it annoys the hell out of Owen so the sheer amount of amusement it gives us (mostly me) is worth it. Also she tends to hoard chocolate like magpies do silver.

**Dietary Requirements: **One day's food supply is as follows; 2kg chocolate (preferably dark), three sheep (whole), a Bakewell tart (Gwen has started fuelling Myfannwy's sweet tooth even more), 67 live mice, 5kg minced beef, and a carrot (to keep her at least healthier than the rest of us, which doesn't take much).

**Level of Threat To the Planet: **Yellow. In fact she shouldn't even be that if I've trained her right. She attacks on command (coupled with either chocolate or BBQ sauce) so be nice to me. Myfannwy only flies at night so not many people see her. The only problem we might have is that there are a few less sheep in Wales, and it's not as if we are short on them either.

**Interests/Habits: **Pretty much anything chocolate. Tosh worked out the exact date that the asteroid hit the Earth, so they've bought her a giant solid dark chocolate Extinction cake as a surprise. She will, of course be shitting it all over Owen's computer.

**Additional Notes: **Report has been completed to an adequate standard. In case anyone is wondering, Jack is in fact out answering an alert whilst I'm writing this. Thank God.

_Last Edited July 2008_

**So, I made you wait for so long – was it worth it? Let me know how you think I did. :D MC. xxx**


End file.
